bittersweet.

it always makes me so, so happy when i see my friends from unca. i feel like they own a part of me that no one will ever be able to access. this could just be ramblings, but i honestly cannot thank them enough. they introduced me to so many experiences that i would have never gotten otherwise. i love them all. sometimes it makes me sad when i think about how i could be with them all the time if i had stayed, but i just wasn’t happy there. but then again, have i ever been truly happy? sometimes i feel like i’m grasping for straws when it comes to my happiness. i’m getting better, i am, but i need help. my friends from unca understand me more than anyone else. they call me out when i’m being judgemental or a flat out bitch. and i need that sometimes. but, they also have a softness and tenderness towards me and my problems that is unmatched by anyone i know. i know they’re listening to me. they don’t throw their own problems back in my face.

it’s not that my friends on campus this summer don’t or won’t listen. it’s that i’m still so afraid to open up to people. if i mention my mental illness it’s usually in a fleeting manner followed by a joke, because god forbid i be serious for five fucking seconds of my life. i feel like everyone expects me to be funny all the time, so i don’t like to reveal my problems because that would take away the one reason i think anyone is friends with me. why else would they want to be friends with a chubby girl who talks too much, is mean, and who watches tv as a hobby?

i don’t miss asheville. i miss my friends. i’m sure one day i’ll open up to a few people when i’m not intoxicated, but for now, i’ll stay as i am until someone acts like they care.